1: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
Fuck yes! I never smoked. Second hand is hell enough for me.
2: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused?
3: What if I told you that you were pretty?
I know I am.
4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
5: Are you interested in anyone right now?
6: What are you looking forward to in the next week?
Louis CK hosting SNL.
A new episode of “Rick and Morty”.
A new episode of “Check It Out with Dr. Steve Brule.”
Pretty sure Colbert returns from break.
7: Do you want to be single?
8: Did you go out or stay in last night?
9: How late did you stay up last night?
Probably just til midnight.
10: Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot?
11: Last three things you had to drink?
Fuckin’ large vanilla milkshake which for me is Suicide Lite. Before that a bottle of water (Poland Spring in Da House!), and before that some Bolthouse Farms Vanilla Chai Tea.
12: Have you pretended to like someone?
Not romantically. But friendship wise.
13: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?
We all do that all the time. C’mon! We abuse the word love all the time.
14: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
Why should you have to say “honestly”? The answer is yes a couple people have.
15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?
Half the time it’s surprisingly quick and painless. Other times it’s devastating.
16: Think back five months ago, were you single?
Almost had a relationship, blew the opportunity big time.
17: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
18: Hold hands with anyone this week?
19: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
I bet I could.
20: What would you name your future daughter?
As opposed to my present non-existent daughter named Razor Clit? Um, if I end up actually wanting a kid and it turns out to be female, I do not know what I shall name her.
21: Do you miss anyone?
Yeah. Pretty much.
22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
23: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?
I’m a world-class poker face, improvisational actor in terms of real life situations around people whom I do not wish to know my hidden emotions.
25: Have you ever cried from being so mad?
26: Who did you last see in person?
Aunt, mom, grandma, cousin. And hundreds of strangers at a play.
27: Are you listening to music right now?
Just the unsettling sounds of the forced-air heating system in my house. And the creepy tick-tock of a clock in the kitchen. So no.
28: What is something you currently want right now?
Money. Pussy. Health. Happiness.
29: What is the last thing you said out lot?
Are you asking what’s the last thing I said out loud? I can’t recall. Some crazy idea I whispered into my digital voice recorder.
30: How is your heart lately?
My actual physical heart is not doing well right now. I’ve been getting a lot of chest pains lately cuz I’m stressed and need to lose 50 pounds.
31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
I haven’t worn a hoodie in about a year and I wear the hood 40% of the time.
32: Are you wearing socks?
33: What do people call you?
34: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?
Of course. I’m a human. Welcome to life on Earth.
36: Who did you last share a bed with?
Your mom. And it wasn’t pleasant. She’s a big, fat, smelly old bitch who takes up too much room, hogs the blankets and mutters racist comments in her sleep.
37: Did you do something bad today?
That’s so relative and subjective. I did a few things that were bad for my health. And maybe how strangers viewed me.
38: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
39: Do you get stressed out easily?
40: Will you sing today?
No. Nor tomorrow probably.
41: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
42: Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone?
Mommy. Auntie. And of course GOOGLE.
43: Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance?
Not in an ambulance.
44: What are you listening to right now?
I already addressed that question. SEE QUESTION #27.
45: What is wrong with you right now?
Oh fuck. I’ve already indulged enough of some of those issues.
46: What is on your wrists right now?
Do you want some emo chick to answer “cuts”? It seems you really wanna hear some drama. Anyway, ain’t nothing on these wrists.
47: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing.
I forget. I bet Macy’s or maybe even, God forbid, Kohls! (Dun dun duunnnn!!!)
48: What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider?
Hot chocolate. No contest. Hot apple cider is for witch doctors or the Amish. Or an Amish witch doctor, which I don’t think any of those exist. But if there was, that would actually be a reality show I’d be willing to check out.
49: Do you make wishes at 11:11?
I granted a girls wish at 11:11:11AM on 11/11/11! And she fuckin’ turned me down! She was sincerely charmed and flattered though.
50: Are you a good artist?
Yes. And the potential is much greater.
51: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
If it’s handled right.
52: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
53: Ever been on a golf cart?
Hell yeah, son! At the age of 7 or 8 I even tried to escape from a wicked Summer camp in one. I’m too exhausted tonight to divulge anymore details on that anecdote from my past. But I’ve been on golf carts plenty of times before and after.
54: Do you have trust issues?
I suspect maybe a little sometimes.
55: Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who?
I think once or twice. With a friend.
56: Do you own something from Hot Topic?
Yep. Happy Tree Friends DVD.
A Happy Tree Friends jacket patch with Flippy on it. I used to have a T-Shirt of Flippy that said Weapon of Mass Destruction. I also have a copy of Tim Burton’s picture book of “The Nightmare Before Christmas”. A couple other things that I don’t remember.
57: Do you use chap stick?
58: Have you ever slapped someone in the face?
Yep. One purpose and by accident.
59: Do you have a little sister?
60: Have you ever been to New York?
I can’t imagine a life where my answer would be no. OMG I love NYC.
61: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
Yes they did.
62: Have you hugged someone within the last week?
I ready answered that!!!
63: What were you doing at midnight last night?
Am I getting de ja vu? I’m almost certain insane feed this one as well. I don’t remember.
64: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
65: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
66: Were your last three kisses from the same person?
67: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?
68: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
Are you kidding? Spooning, cuddling, snuggling under the covers rubbing our noses together and staring deep into each others eyes. That’s what I need. Every night that goes by where I’m alone on bed, another piece of my soul does.
69: Will next Friday be a good one?
Sure. Why not. And you ended on 69? Real mature, pal.