He was the CEO of Enron when they took all those people’s pension money.
Legally, he cannot be within 100 yards of Helen Mirren.
On weekends, he shoots manatees with paintball guns
He assassinated Archduke Ferdinand
His knees bend both ways. He’s part racehorse.
He calls Asians “Neil” no matter what their name is.
He has a $1,000-a-day Lik-M-Aid habit
Carly Simon wrote that song about him.
He holds the Guinness World Record for “Largest Collection of Penis Enlargers”
Ben Carson =ax2 + bx + c
He once at a honey badger he hit with his car
He murdered a caricaturist for drawing him with a basketball instead of a surfboard.
Citing religious reasons, he refuses to utter the number 8.
In 2009, he lost $380,000 wagering on dwarf tossing.
Once a year he retreats to the Arizona Desert and deposits 2 million egg sacs under the sand.
He let a game-winning ground ball roll through his legs in Game 6 of the ‘86 World Series.
He is 90% prune juice
He cheated on Sandra Bullock
He calls the underside of his seat: “The Booger Graveyard”.
He sponsored S.410, which would ban happiness.
For the past ten years he has been two children in a very convincing Ben Carson suit.
He is so mean he once shot a man just for snoring.
He is an accomplished nude hula dancer. He is not welcome in Hawaii.
He was sent from the future to kill Sarah Connor.
He has the worlds most extensive catalog of snuff films.
He can, and will, deny that you’re a jolly good fellow.
His torso is covered in superfluous nipples.
He has a shrine to Scooter from The Muppet Show.
He developed his own mind of hair care products just so he could test them on bunnies.
He actually prefers Hydrox to Oreos.
He destroyed love in 1973. All feelings since then have been but a shadow of the original concept.
Along a certain stretch of the Mexican Highway, he is known as El Autoestopisto Negro Borracho.
Every Halloween he dresses up as a sexy Mitch Daniels.
The secret to his success can be found on page 53 of the Necronomicon.
You can unhinge his jaw like a python to swallow small rodents whole.
Everything you would only do in the privacy of your own home, he prefers to do on a subway car.
He’s the only person who can sneeze with his penis. He calls it a “sneenis”
He claims the craziest thing he’s ever done was the time he ate pancakes for dinner.
He invented a chemical-free method for bleaching recycled paper pulp.
He bought a Soda Stream so he could drink *carbonated* tears of the poor.
He was originally gonna be named after the Quebec town, Jonquière, which is fitting because he ate all of its residents.
He thinks no one can see him when he puts a paper bag on his head.
He has body hair in the exact shape of his sweater vest.
He hasn’t played basketball since he accidentally chest-bumped a teammate.
He was the basis for Haley Joel Osment’s character in “The Sixth Sense.”
He gets heartburn from water.
He wrote an op-ed about the filth in “Finding Nemo”
His favorite quote from Jesus is “It’s Clobberin’ Time!”
For Halloween he went as a Hershey bar.
He refuses to put his left hip in during the Hokey-Pokey.
He preferred the second Darrin on “Bewitched.”
He believes is a mortal sin to mix slushy flavors.
His childhood nickname was “Dr. Ben Carson”
He has never solved a Wheel of Fortune puzzle.
He wears a fireproof leotard under everything.
His favorite standup comic is a copy of Reader’s Digest.
He is 1/8th Ovaltine.
P.S. These are all just stolen from Colbert’s Twitter in 2011 about Jon Kyl. And some about Rick Santorum. Slight modifications.